Tube etiquette
Self-proclaimed champions of politeness; we are aiming to bring etiquette back in exactly the same way that Justin brought Sexy Back in ‘06. This week we are going to be discussing tube etiquette and if you don’t know what that is or what that means then this article is directed at you:
Wait your turn
Picture this, it’s a Monday morning. You’re moody, you’re tired, you’re hungry and you’re on your way into the office. You’re on the tube and you reach your stop, but before you can even get off the train you are being rammed from every direction with people getting on the train. You miss your stop. You are angry and sad so you huff at people to let them feel your frustration.
Or, let us paint a worse scenario for you, you are closest to the doors of the train and you see some poor little cherub trying to get off the train, you step off the train to allow them off before getting back on the train yourself. But wait, you can’t get back on the train because yet more people are barging you out of the way and pushing past you on to the train.
All sense of Britishness goes out the window at rush hour on the tube. What happened to our love of queueing? Where did it all go so wrong?
Get up for people that need a seat
These days most people who need a seat wear a badge, so if you’re sitting in a priority seat then just look up every once in a while to check that there’s not someone who needs the seat more than you lurking about.
Sometimes it’s just nice to offer your seat to someone who looks like they have had a long day. Good deed of the day, check.
Loud music
Keep your music down. Or rather, invest in better headphones if you want to blast your drum n bass. Leaky headphones are not attractive and some poor souls are trying to silently reflect on our inner rage at the weekend being over and another full work week stretching out ahead of us.
Backpack awareness
Most of us carry a backpack of some sort or have done at some point. It goes without saying, although a lot of train drivers do actually say it, that taking your backpack off will make more space for other passengers. Why do people still ignore this? Don’t be arrogant with your backpack. Take it off.
Armpit awareness
If you are 5ft12 or above, the chances are you might end up rubbing your armpit in the face of someone shorter than you whilst holding on to a pole.
Please be aware of your pits and kindly spare us that displeasure. Please also note that deodorant exists. That is all.
Food eating awareness
Please, please stop eating smelly food. We are all literally hurtling around in a small metal tube 58m below the earth at a rapid average pace of 25mph, why would you subject me to your hardboiled egg sandwich right now? Or that tuna mayo you didn’t have time to eat at lunch, put it away until you get home.
Do not obstruct the doors
The beauty of the tube is that the next train is never far away, and as a consequence long waits on the underground don’t really exist (unless you are counting the four-minute wait for a Bakerloo Line train). So if you’re late for work, or to get home, then sorry but by pole-vaulting yourself through the doors at the speed of light and getting your massive shoulders and stupid rucksack jammed in the doors then really all you’re doing is making everyone else late too. How selfish. Oh, and dangerous might we add.
Leaning on the doors
Do not lean on the doors of moving trains. If you don’t know what we are talking about then please continue reading, this is aimed directly at you.
Tube train doors have a safety circuit, hence if the doors of a train are open even the tiniest bit then the circuit is broken and the system that powers the train is cut off. And the train will come to a sudden halt.
Concentrate on where you are walking
Please just put away your phone, book, kindle or Netflix on your phone. It’s hard enough trying to negotiate around the platforms during rush hour without having to deal with people that are actually not looking at all where they are going.
Obstructing handrails
STOP obstructing the handrails with your body during rush hour. Yes, you’re tired and a lovely lean against a pole makes up somewhat for not having a seat, but it means other people have to clamour around you, potentially touching your greasy hair or reaching higher than their little legs allow just to ensure that they don’t fall over – which let’s face it will probably still happen. Body blocking the poles is utterly uncouth.
Bags
Almost every single route in London is busy at most times. Alas, the chances of you being able to keep your bag on the seat for your entire journey is highly unlikely. Please stop putting your bags on seats.
Prams at rush hour
In the words of Drake, ‘We don’t want to hide the kid from the world, we want to hide the world from the kid’.
Crotch awareness
The same applies to your private parts, but we will reiterate for those who are obviously clueless – largely men.
Stop directing your crotch into the face of someone that is sitting down.
Stop rubbing your crotch against people when standing closely together.
Stop touching your crotch, or having your hands down your trousers when sat down.
Ventilation Awareness
The windows at either end of the car are to enable ventilation. If you are standing right in front of the window then the car doesn’t have any air moving through it. This means that unfortunately if you are stuck with someone eating their smelly cabbage dinner on the tube then you will just have to suffocate in silence.
Sketches by Nike Akinfenwa
